Manna or Meatloaf

The Parent With All The Answers

Kristin Season 2 Episode 60

I’m so truly excited to be back.  As much as I needed a break from the production of these episodes, I realized just how much I missed my intentional focus on things that helped me and in doing so, hopefully, encourage, support and uplift others.  I am so happy to be here, and feel re-committed to doing what I feel my Heavenly Father wants me to do to help build His kingdom in this small way. 

Although we’ve been enjoying our summer vacationing and playing with family a lot, my mind has been filled with so many thoughts, ideas and impressions and the one I’d like to address today is the one that I’ve been considering a lot lately, and one that I see my children wading through right now.   It’s mom guilt, and it’s a very real thing!  Although it’s definition obviously applies to mothers, dads are not to be excluded as part of the team of parents.  Because I’m sharing my experiences, each time I refer to mom guilt, I want you to know I’m not overlooking the tremendous pressure that can come with dad guilt.  How about if we agree to think of parenting guilt every time I mention mom guilt.  Ok?
 
Now, You may wonder why I, as an empty nester would feel mom guilt.  

When your children are still in your home and you’re teaching and shaping them day in and day out, you’re sometimes so close to the forest, you can’t see the trees, so to speak.  I remember feeling completely exhausted with the daily tasks that I faced in serving and caring for the needs of young ones and teenagers.  the never-ending needs of multiple humans always made me feel like I was falling short at the end of a day, and that can seem crushing.  I remember those crazy busy days.  

Unfortunatley, you can never escape the results of your influence or shortcomings as parents.  And When your children are adults.  You get to see with clarity where all those efforts paid off, and where they fell short.  

Last weeks come follow me lesson that included the study of D&C section 68 Make it easy to understand why moms and dads can feel this guilt so heavily sometimes, when we read Vs:25  "And again, inasmuch as parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents.
And vs. 28 :And they shall also teach their children to pray, and to walk uprightly before the Lord”.  

Although we can all recognize the truth in those scriptures, that truth can seem incriminating at  pointing out our already highlighted insecurities about the daunting task, can’t it.  Despite our best efforts, there are those days that your kids have had 3 balanced meals, 3 balanced meals of cold cereal, your house is a mess, and the kids match the chaos, you’ve yelled 2 too many times, there have days that the tv and devices win, and it’s hard not to worry that you’re not doing enough, or not doing it right, or fearing that you’re just plain messing up your kids.  
The sacred stewardship of parenting that President Ezra Taft Benson reminded us would be the most important work we would ever do, we want desperately to do our best at. 

I wish I had been more consistent.  We tried but never mastered daily scripture study, family home evening and family prayer.  We had spells we’d do well for a bit, but unfortunately, the stretches of absence of those important things far outweighed our steady habits.  I hope our kids do better at teaching their children these things.  

I could have done a lot better at teaching them to work.  I remember my mom telling us as young adults, that sometimes it was just easier to do the work for us, than fight us to get our jobs done.  I know exactly where she was coming from.  Also, my love language is service, or acts of kindness, so doing things for my kids was a way to show them how much I loved them, so after a long day of school and practices, I knew they would have homework and didn’t want to burden them with a long chore chart.  Oh we had chore charts…lots of them complete with bright colors and stickers and rewards, but I credit their dad for teaching them what hard work looks like. I hope our kids do better at teaching their children how to work.

I wish I would have….. I could have done more….. I should have been….you can see how thoughts like these can lead you straight down the rabbit hole of discouraging and sometimes debilitating guilt.  
So….what can we do to redirect our thoughts?  There were many things I came up with from my own personal experiences and research from the experts, that are helping me work through some of my own mom guilt and I hope they help you.
They are all summarized by 3 points.

Listen to your mom heart.  Or your dad heart
Listen to and connect with your child
Listen to God, the parent with All the answers


1.  Listen to your parent heart. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…I believe the words to the song The Family is of God “God gave us families to help us become who he wants us to be” I truly believe we’ve been given the families we have for a specific purpose.  We were supposed to be our childrens parent’s.  God knew we would sometimes be impatient, distracted, unhappy and demanding, but the children in our care will learn what they need to learn from us, or I don’t believe they’d be with us.  Or maybe they won’t learn, from us, and maybe that’s part of the lesson.  I believe we inherently have the tools we require to meet the specific needs of our children, and if we don’t we can gain or learn them…or they wouldn’t be ours.  Why do you think only we can discern the specific cry of our babies, or the indiscernible garble from our toddler.  I choose to believe that God grants us the mantle of parenthood specific to the children we’ve been blessed with, so trust your mother or father heart!


2. Listen to, and connect with your child

I realized then and certainly see now that every mistake or shortcoming I had as a mom could have been corrected with a connection.  I felt really close to my kids, overall, but in the individual moments and challenges, I could have done better to remember that.
If I was overly tired and irritable from a fussy baby, and my 5yr old was acting out because he or she wasn’t getting the attention or comfort they needed, instead of responding with anger or sharpness because of their incessant pleadings, and probably plopping them down in front of a show, or giving them a toy, or a distraction, I can see how connecting, physically and emotionally and giving them all my attention, could have made all the difference.  A physical hug, an apology and explanation, and a question like.  What are you feeling inside? And Is there something you’d like to do together, just you and me, when daddy comes home, questions like these might get a lot of mileage as they prompt a child to realize you're paying attention. 
Almost every conflict can be resolved with connection, that begins with physical touch and is encouraged by questions and attention to those answers.  It’s been said that having a parent who listens, creates children who believe they have a voice that matters.  

That’s why I tried to tuck my kids into bed every night.  That was the time at the end of the day, I got to make up for any unmet needs.  I did soft-tickles and asked all kinds of questions and gave them my undivided attention.  I feel like we really connected during those times.

And Remember, this is SO important.  you can’t connect if you are disconnected!

This can be key, because so many times when we’re frustrated, overwhelmed, stressed out, or a myriad of other negative emotions, one of human natures less than desirable coping strategies is to distract ourselves from the feelings of those emotions.  That way you don’t have to feel them... because they don’t feel good.   The brain is brilliant that way right. It’s a protective mechanism, that can sometimes be helpful under the right circumstances, but most often just adds to the problem when you’re dealing with family.  

Ok, I know I’m going to get some pushback from this one, but let’s talk about the obvious.  What would you say is our biggest distraction today?  If you said your cell phones or devices, I’d have to agree with you!

There are multiple studies that suggest that Americans unlock their phones an average of 100 to 150 times a day. Whether that’s to check the time, send a text or Google a fact, each interaction can cause stress.  You may not believe that, but the research is overwhelming obvious – While our devices are very useful they can actually cause us more stress than they relieve.  In an article written for UCHealth by Susan Cunningham, titled The Hidden Stress of Cell Phones, She explained “It might be said we are addicted to being distracted,” according to Victoria Strohmeyer, a registered psychotherapist with UCHealth Yampa Valley Medical Center. “When you check your phone or hear an alert, you activate your sympathetic nervous system, the part of your body that’s always scanning the environment. It gives you a little shot of adrenaline for every interaction.”
That adrenaline, which is meant to trigger your body to pay attention, sets off a cascade of chemicals that increases heart rate, pulse and muscle tension, and shunts energy from the brain to the muscles.
“It will take five to 30 minutes for your body to get back to baseline after every one of these alarms,” Strohmeyer said.
Which is a problem in a world where cell phones rarely stop.
“Essentially, people don’t ever come back down to baseline,” Strohmeyer continued. “We have one stress after another after another.”
All that stress wreaks havoc on the body and mind, causing or contributing to a range of diseases, from heart disease and depression, to sleep deprivation and chronic fatigue”.
It’s a little bit hard to hear isn’t it.  We rely on our cell phones to get important emails, to run our businesses, to check facts that we don’t and need to know.  I constantly forget how many quarts in a gallon, and how many cups in a quart.  What would we do without google to help us with every facet of our lives.  And oh, the things I hear you can learn from Tic Tok, ha ha!
The key, in balancing it, I believe, is to take President M. Russell Ballard’s advice when he taught that our digital devices “need to be our servants, not our masters.”

There was a really insightful article in the Liahone last year called How to Manage Digital Devices and Get Your Family Back
By Geoff Steurer
The author Gave 7 tips on how to manage our device time. I highly recommend you read it.  
The two I liked best were to Establish digital-free zones, and to turn off notifications. 
 I think of the times we visit the temple.  It is a no phone zone, and I believe the lack of distractions and the focus we have on the important ordinances and covenants are, in part, why we can feel the spirit so strongly in that holy place.  Decide with your family.  Is it at the dinner table, in the car running errands so you can visit, before your day starts, during your morning routine, or while enjoying tuck in time?  Make that decision as a family and enforce it as a family!  

It just hit me as I’m concluding my thoughts on this point that to connect can correct.  So I’m going to work on my connections as well. 

The 3rd and last point on my list is to listen to God the parent with All the answers!  We can do this through meditating on or after our prayers, when we’re hearing Him speak to us through the words of the scriptures, or by the voice of His servants the prophets.  

I’m sure I’ve mentioned the bookshelf in my office, the one that is filled almost completely with parenting, marriage and instructional church books, written by various authors.  I’ve put a lot of those books in storage now, but needless to say, I took my role as mother very seriously, especially in the beginning.  I read every book I could get my hands on, studies every theory, tried to learn everything I could from the experts.  And I did learn some valuable tools.  Most of the time, I’d take a tidbit or two from the pages an tuck them into my parenting toolbelt, and let the rest go, if they didn’t seem to apply or resonate with me. 

I just wish I would have remembered the wise council given by By Elder Boyd K. Packer in 1986 “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. “The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. … That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel” Boom there it is!  God is the parent that has all the answers.  Why, then wouldn’t we turn to Him, before all the seeming experts the world has to offer? 

2 Nephi 9:28–29 seems to be saying the same thing.
“O that cunning plan of the evil one! O the vainness, and the frailties, and the foolishness of men! When they are learned they think they are wise, and they hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish.  But to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God.”  

I wish I would have done better in that regard, and taken less advice from the world and sought more counsel from the Lords hand when it came to parenting, and I really hope our children do better with this.

When I type in parenting on the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints website, there are 252 articles just under that heading.  Most of them are conference addresses, so we have a lot of resources to study and learn from when trying to become the best parents we can be.  

When I turn to the scriptures, I learn
 “Train up a child in the way he should go …” (Proverbs 22:6). And not just in words but in actions.

“In some things (you) have not kept the commandments concerning (your) children; therefore, first set in order thy house” (Doctrine and Covenants 93:44).

And then we’re all familiar with, and, if we’re not careful, this one can be a spark in the mom guilt fire…. (Matthew 5:48). “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father … in heaven is perfect” 


Here’s the truth, none of us were raised by perfect parents, none of us will be perfect parents and none of us have raised perfect parents.  
Then to add insult to injury.  None of us have perfect grandparents, and none of us will be perfect grandparents.  Such is the human condition, such is the need for God’s grace. 
I love Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s talk titled. Be Ye therefore perfect, eventually.  You’ve probably run through this talk already over the past few weeks, as it’s been included in our study of the Doctrine and Covenants, but I love it in application to what we’re talking about here.  Listen to these words through the lens of parenting. "(While) we can’t 'earn' (true perfection) … the grace of Christ offers us … salvation from our own persistent self-criticism. … Except for Jesus, there have been no flawless performances on this earthly journey we are pursuing, so while in mortality let’s strive for steady improvement without obsessing over what behavioral scientists call 'toxic perfectionism.'"
In the conclusion of his talk, he says:
"Every one of us aspires to a more Christlike life than we often succeed in living. If we admit that honestly and are trying to improve, we are not hypocrites; we are human. …. If we persevere, then somewhere in eternity our refinement will be finished and complete — which is the New Testament 
meaning of perfection." (see "Be Ye Therefore Perfect — Eventually," general conference, October 2017).

Like so many other life-vexing dilemas, Christ is the answer.  Because of the love of my Savior Jesus Christ, I can be delivered from the discouragement of mommy guilt.  I will be able to muddle my way through my mistakes, be healed from the hurts others have inflicted and He can comfort and strengthen those I could have done better with.  Because of Him, I get to keep trying as a mom and now grandmother, to improve and do better.  

Like I said in my 4th episode of the this podcast called You-niquely YOU, I may not have been enough of what my children needed from their mother as they were growing up.  I may not be now, but Christ is more than enough for both of us, and his grace will make up for all the should have’s, incomplete wanted to’s and areas that even my best intentions fell short.  His grace is sufficient, if you look up the definition of sufficient it reads: adjective: adequate, enough.  His grace is enough, even when I’m not. So when I yoke myself to him.  He can help me carry this parent load. For His yoke is easy and His burdens are light and I can find rest to my mom soul.  Mathew 11:29,30.

  I can promise you from the vantage point of 30+ years of parenting, that true joy awaits parents who, despite the overwhelming challenge, never retreat from their commitment to their call.  For, like Nephi, I know the Lord “giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save He shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.” 

Just as I mentioned in the beginning, I am seeing clearly as my children raise their own families, where I could have done better as their mother, but I also see with equal clarity how amazing our kids have turned out, despite my own imperfections and short-comings.  I also recognize through a lot of experience and some maturity, that I don't get to own my children's experience, or their journey.  I understand now why my Bestie Lana wanted me to read the book "I don't have to make everything all better" by Gary Lundburg.  The title alone speaks volumes.  And I can see only now, as I put these thoughts together, that the guilt I experienced then and continue to feel now didn’t contribute in the least to the people these amazing children became, it only hinders my ability, to enjoy the experience.  

So love your kids, give yourself permission and admit to them that you are not perfect, but you’re doing your best.  That gives them permission to do the same.  I can’t tell you how many times I told my kids.  I don’t know why I was chosen to be the mom, I don't know why but God trusted me with you.  He trusts you too.

So listen to the mom or dad heart He gave you on your kids behalf
Listen to your children.  Connect with them. To connect can correct.
And Listen to God, the parent with All the answers. 
He promised in John 14, that He would never leave us comfortless, and I can’t think of a promise I’ll hold tighter to when I consider my divine and sacred responsibility as a parent.  
I hope as you spend the next week reflecting on these thoughts that you too, can let go of the guilt and just enjoy the journey!