Bitter or Better

Every experience gives us a choice...to become bitter or better as a result of that experience.  Bitterness can canker your life if left unchecked. 

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  Bitter or better

I want to tell you about this hospice patient I had the opportunity to work with for almost a year.  She was downright mean, when I first met her.  The social worker, the aides, all of them had stories to tell of the nasty things she would say and do.  She didn’t hesitate to tell everyone that she didn’t believe in God, because if there was a God, He wouldn’t let her feel so lousy.  She didn’t have a lot of family that came to visit, and it was easy to see why.  All she ever did was complain about her kids, how they were so ungrateful and only wanted her money.  I hate to say it, but She was an incredibly bitter woman. She would bark at the people who were there to serve her and help her feel better, she’d criticize the way everyone did their jobs in caring for her, and I never saw her smile even once.  That is until the day I made her laugh.  You see, she tolerated me, although not pleasantly by any stretch, because the zones I gave her helped her swollen feet feel better, but still every week, she had some negative comment, and criticized how I always moved the bed.  You see, she was bed bound, and for those of you who’ve never been zoned, I had to get to every angle of her feet and work on them for an hour.  She was in her own queen bed, but they had given her one of those blow up air pads to help reduce bedsores, so every time I moved to resituate myself, she would complain.  Finally, one day after our darling aide left in tears, I told her she might want to start being nicer to the people who were taking care of her, or they wouldn’t want to come any more.  She growled “That’d be fine by me, and when are you going to figure out how to work on my feet without bouncing me all over the place?”.  Ok, first of all, I didn’t bounce her all over the place.  I’ll call this patient  Linda even though that’s not her real name, so my response was, “Oh, Linda, you should be thanking me, after all, when was the last time you were lucky enough to have someone roll around in bed with you.”  Her eyes grew to the size of softballs, her jaw dropped as she tried to register if she’s just heard what she thought she had, and after a few seconds, she started to laugh, and then I started to laugh.  She laughed so hard, I worried she would stop breathing.  But that incidence broke down some of her walls of anger and resentment, and I was sent in more regularly as she began to respond more positively to our visits.  She shared with me some of the injustices she’d experienced in her life, and how she always felt judged and belittled by members of her family.  I asked if she thought she could ever find it in herself to forgive them, and release herself of the negative weight she’d been carrying most of her life and she told me, she just didn’t think she could, she’d probably have to take it to the grave with her, and sadly, that’s exactly what she did.  

Unfortunately, this story is one that isn’t all that uncommon.  There is a reason the scriptures refer to gall as bitterness of spirit or ranker, and deep-seated ill will, as well as bile, the poison of serpents, and it also denotes the juice of some bitter plant, like wormwood.  Oooh gross.  That name does sound bitter.  

Josh Shipp said “You either get bitter or you get better. It's that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you.”
There it is…. Every challenge, test or trial that we find ourselves facing has a lesson tucked inside, one that can make us bitter or better.  One that can make or break us, the choice is ours. 

There are so many things that can contribute to bitterness.  Anger, hurt, resentment, unforgiveness, chronic discouragement, gossip, jealousy, disobedience, contempt, unfairness, and the many injustices of life, just to name a few. 
The thing about bitterness, is that if we let it settle into our hearts, it has a way of oozing into everything else.  We’ve all been offended or insulted or hurt by others, but when we allow those feelings to fester in us, when we give them more time, energy and attention than the appropriate period  we may need to process and move past those feelings, then we can unknowingly allow those seeds to germinate and take root in the fertile soil of our lives. 
I believe this is exactly why Hebrews 12:15 warns us of letting any root of bitterness spring up, troubling us. 
We all know that the roots of any type of plant, tree or vegetation is where the plant gets its life.  Isn’t that interesting.  You can’t see a root but that’s what supplies the plant with all it needs to grow.  If your feelings are from a bitter root, they will always bear bitter fruit. I want to say that again.  If your feelings are from a bitter root, they will always bear bitter fruit.  

We have 3 cherry trees.  Our inexperienced cherry farming left us wondering why the heck we couldn’t grow a single cherry.  When we finally figured out that both of our trees were of a female sort and we needed a so-called male tree for cross pollination, we were so surprised.  It’s really a thing you guys…who knew??  So we got another male-type tree, and when this little cherry tree was just a sapling, we also had kittens and of course they only chose this perfect, innocent little tree to use as a scratching post.  We did our best to put pruning tar over the scratches and mesh netting around the trunk nearest to the ground.  Four or five years ago we got cherries, and yes, our older trees instantly grew abundant, beautiful cherries.  But this year that littlest cherry tree looks down right sick.  After all our research, we sadly realized that years ago, those tiny little scratches gave way to a breech in the integrity of the bark that didn’t heal and close over, so it left room for bugs and other bacteria.   For a couple of years, it bore fruit, and it looked good on the outside. But those small scratches festered, those unhealed wounds got the best of this perfect little tree. Those small cuts from outside influences, now look like deep gouges that are working their way out and fraying and destroying every layer of bark in its course.  No amount of pruning tar can save it now. It makes me so sad, and reminds me the title of a book I’ve made reference to before. Feelings buried alive never die.
I found a quote by Maya Angelou who said: “Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host.” And I think that’s exactly what it does, it eats at us from the inside.  It expands and spreads, fertilizing all kinds of other toxic emotions.  
One of those toxic emotions has to be offense, because in the world we live in, we don’t have to experience much to have the opportunity to be offended, right?  President Brigham Young once compared being offended to a poisonous snakebite. He said that “there are two courses of action to follow when one is bitten by a rattlesnake. One may, in anger, fear, or vengefulness, pursue the creature and kill it. Or he may make full haste to get the venom out of his system.  If we pursue the latter course we will likely survive, but if we attempt to follow the former, we may not be around long enough to finish it.”  That’s exactly why feeling of bitterness, anger and resentment need to be worked through quickly and eradicated from our lives.  I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but if left unchecked, I believe they can literally destroy us.


I read this article in Psychology today called “Don’t let your anger mature into bitterness” by Leon F. Seltzer that I thought validated this point perfectly, He said: “Virtually every writer who has weighed in on the subject of bitterness has also discussed its ultimate remedy: forgiveness. Forgiveness alone enables you to let go of grievances, grudges, rancor, and resentment. It’s the single most potent antidote for the venomous desire for retributive justice poisoning your system. If this impulse hasn’t infested you physically, it’s at least afflicted you mentally and emotionally. Learning to forgive facilitates your recovering from a wound that, while it may have originated from outside yourself, has been kept alive from the venom you've synthesized within you”.  Isn’t that powerful?  I love it when wonderful writers can use words to paint a picture.  The venom you’ve synthesized within you, feels like the perfect description of bitterness to me.

I’ve been there, we all have, but just like a sliver that is allowed to stay, fester and become infected.  Unforgiveness, the antidote for bitterness, hurts the host more than the person needing the forgiveness. 

But forgiving and letting go can be so so hard, it can feel downright impossible sometimes, can’t it?   In talking about releasing bitterness, C.S. Lewis said, “Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” 

Just letting go of painful experiences takes great mental and emotional discipline, and it takes practice.

President Gordon B Hinkley once quoted Zig Ziglar, one of me and my dad’s favorites from his publication in the year 2000 called Staying Up, Up, Up in a Down, Down World
“ Once a man who had been slandered by a newspaper came to Edward Everett asking what to do about it. Said Everett, “Do nothing! Half the people who bought the paper never saw the article. Half of those who saw it, did not read it. Half of those who read it, did not understand it. Half of those who understood it, did not believe it. Half of those who believed it are of no account anyway.” I love that…It’s D&C 20:22 Illustrating how Jesus was temped, but “gave no heed unto them”. 


One of the best articles I’ve ever read on the principle of forgiveness was from a 2003 General conference address titled: Forgiveness will change bitterness to love, by David E. Sorensen. I highly recommend you read it in it’s entirety, but let me share a short quote:
“When we forgive others, it frees us to choose how we will live our own lives. Forgiveness means that problems of the past no longer dictate our destinies, and we can focus on the future with God’s love in our hearts”  

Throughout this week’s pondering and study on this topic, my thoughts kept swirling around the often recited quip Let Go and Let God, but can it really be that easy?  My experiences, and weaknesses  make me want to holler that sometimes life just isn’t fair, that sometimes it’s just too hard, and sometimes it just plain stinks!  Let’s just call it what it is.  Wow, listen to me, that sounds as bitter as wormwood, 

Then, in that same weakness, I stumbled upon the perfect and eloquent words of Elder Neil A. Maxwell. 
“Meek and lowly Jesus partook of the most bitter cup without becoming the least bitter. (See 3 Ne. 11:11; D&C 19:18–19.) The Most Innocent suffered the most. Yet the King of Kings did not break.” That was from his address Irony; the crust on the bread of adversity, and if there was ever a talk that I would plead with you to listen to or read, it’s this one.  If there was ever a better recipe for how to overcome the challenges of bitterness, anger, offense, or irony, in our daily lives, it’s this one!  It’s the perfect reminder of how following the perfect example can help us overcome every challenge. 

On that note, I want to point out something that hit me in regards to letting go and letting God. 

In Mark 16 we know that after Christ’s crucifixion, he was risen. And after the Sabbath, Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James, had brought sweet spices, to the tombe to anoint Jesus and bathe His body in oils. We read from vs. 2 
And very early in the morning the first day of the week, they came unto the sepulchre at the rising of the sun.
 And they said among themselves, who shall roll us away the stone from the door of the sepulchre?
And when they looked, they saw that the stone was rolled away: for it was very great.
And entering into the sepulchre, they saw a young man sitting on the right side,  clothed in a long white garment; and they were affrighted.  
And he saith unto them, Be not affrighted: Ye seek Jesus of Nazareth, which was crucified: he is risen; he is not here: behold the place where they laid him.
But go your way, tell his disciples and Peter that he goeth before you into Galilee: there shall ye see him, as he said unto you”.

Ok, can you imagine this scenario.  Here are these two women, grieving and heart broken, there to serve their master one last time.  And instead of seeing Him, they see this stranger, and they’re probably thinking who are you and what have you done with Jesus, the one who’s body we came to care for. 

You can almost hear the angel saying, Ok, I know you’re afraid, and hurting, and disappointed, but don’t stay here, God has gone before you and has prepared something better for you there. 

If the Mary’s had stayed there in their overwhelming sorrow, self-pity, sadness, disappointment or grief, they never would have seen the resurrected Lord.  

I can’t help wonder if Jesus Christ, the very Prince of Peace invites each of us in our bitter, angry, unforgiveness ….Don’t stay here.  I’ve prepared something so much better for you, there on the other side of this pain, disappointment or anger.

 Here in this situation could feel like the discontent in your marriage, the promotion that went to someone less qualified, the crushing diagnosis, the addiction, the loss of your loved one, the hurt, and anger of what he or she said, but staying stuck in the here, will keep you from meeting God there.

Isn’t that a beautiful thought?  He knows how hard it is to come out on the other side of bitterness and unforgiveness, but our Savior and Redeemer Jesus Christ has gone ahead to prepare the way for us, He always does, so we can find our way too.    

This week I challenge you to weed through any lingering bitterness or unforgiveness that may have unknowingly found a home in your heart and study the referenced talks and resources to truly let go and let God 

And remember 
"There is always light.
If only we’re brave enough to see it
If only we’re brave enough to be it". 
Amanda Gorman

Have a wonderful week!  Thanks for sharing your time with me today!