I Hear You

Learning how to validate others begins with really hearing them.  Effective validation can improve every relationship in your life. 

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

I Hear You.

Do you remember the 2009 movie Avatar, written, directed and produced by James Cameron?  I loved that movie. 

The theme song sung by Leona Lewis, and the name bears one of the recurring themes of the movie.  I see you, which is what the Na’Vi (the race of those blue humanoids that lived in Pandora) that's what they would say in greeting and to validate that they acknowledged the other person in every way. Don’t you just love that thought?

There are several definitions of the word validation, but today I’d like to stick with the recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.

When our youngest daughter Allie was 16, I was going for a mother of the year award, not really, but I took her and her friend to a Justin Bieber concert.  It was amazing, I’m not going to deny it…I had the Beiber fever, everyone did.  It was quite a concert, He is such a talented musician and entertainer, and my right ear reminded me of that for about 3 weeks.  It literally rang non-stop even when I was sleeping.  Now as a result my hearing has been impaired in that ear, and with a bit more age, I get to decide what I’m going to do about it.  I don’t want to be that person that has to say,  Egh?? Speak up, or can you speak into my good ear, because I can’t hear. 

How many of us aren’t able to truly hear the things others are telling us?  How many times do we hear the words, but not the meaning behind those words.  I would love to be able, like the Na’Vi people from Avatar to truly see by truly hearing those I love and interact with.  . 

In an Ensign article by Mark Ogletree titled Speak, Listen, & Love, the author says “Being heard is akin to being loved; in fact, being listened to is one of the highest forms of respect and validation”.

I’ve been reading this amazing book I Don’t Have to Make Everything all Better, by Gary Lundberg , I highly recommended it in my episode The Parent With all the Answers, and I’m not gonna lie… I feel like I’ve been called out, and I wish I would have had this knowledge earlier in my motherhood, so I could have done a better job in effectively validating my children and their feelings when they were young.  I know it’s always better late than never, but people, don’t make the same mistakes I’ve made.  I feel like we need to learn now, wherever we are with our communication skills to study, learn and practice more effective ways of hearing people and validating their feelings.  When executed effectively, validation alone will often times, help others find their own solutions.

Validating the  feelings and opinions of others can make such a big difference with the people and relationships in our lives, In their book titled The Power of Validation,  Karyn D. Hall Ph.D., and Melissa H. Cook, LPC state that validation  “is one of the most important things a parent can do to foster healthy psychological development in their children.”

I believe this could also be said of our marriages, our callings and our friendships. 

Have you seen the video on YouTube called ‘It’s Not About the Nail’
It’s so stinking funny, but only because it’s so stinking true about most of our relationships, if not all the time, certainly some of it.  The video starts out by showing the lower half of a woman’s face as she’s expressing her feelings of frustration.  She is sitting on the couch telling a man, maybe her husband, that she just doesn’t know what to do about this horrible pain in her head.  She’s heartfelt and genuine in her concern and she’s really afraid that the pressure may never stop. She goes on and on about how scary and frustrating that is for her.  The short video then pans over her profile and you can clearly see that there is a giant nail right in the middle of her forehead.  It shows the man then pointing out the obvious, Umm hello, you do have a giant nail in your forehead, and he’s pretty sure that getting the nail out will solve all her problems. The woman, then gets defensive saying something like, why do you always just try to fix everything.  I’ts not about the nail.  Why don’t you just listen. She picks up where she left off on her explanation of why it is so bothersome and difficult to deal with the constant ache, and how she can’t sleep and how all of her sweaters are snagged.  With exasperation, the man kind of rolls his eyes and finally submits, saying, that sounds really hard.  Her eyes soften as if she’s finally feeling heard, she says tenderly, Thank you, and they go in for a kiss, and well, it’s just plain funny, you can find it on YouTube, and if you ever wanted the perfect depiction of men and women, and their differences...this is it!  Sadly women end up doing the same things too.
You see, the trick to effective validation is that validating someone’s feelings doesn’t’ mean that you have to side with them, or agree with their thoughts or beliefs, it only means that you’re leaving space for them to experience those thoughts, feelings and beliefs exactly as they are, and that you are willing to stand by them emotionally and really hear them as they do.
We’ve all been there….when we’re struggling with a particular challenge, and we turn to a trusted source, someone we love, or at least hope to get encouragement from, and they in turn respond indifferently with a comment like, “So that’s the only reason you’re upset?”  or “Well, at least you didn’t have to go through what I experienced”, or my favorite….”Life is hard, sometimes we just have to buck up”. How utterly dismissed do we feel?  How much better and validated and loved would we have felt by hearing something like “I can’t imagine how you must be feeling”, or “I can see how hard this if for you”, or at the very least, if they have no way of possibly understanding, I would still feel better hearing.  “I’m so sorry, you’re right, I don’t understand, but I hear you, and I want to know what you need from me during this difficult time, or on this specific journey”.  Not only have I been there, but I hate to admit it, I may have even been on the delivering end of some of those terribly flippant and invalidating responses, I’d like to think we all have at one time or another.

Michael S. Sorensen is the author of the best-selling book I Hear you: The Surprisingly Simple skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships.  He’s also a very successful relationship coach who publishes a podcast and hosts a blog.  He is not a therapist, or medical professional, but
admits to voraciously learning all he could from going to therapy for 5 years himself.  This led him to his current life’s work. 
He teaches How to Validate Someone: The Four-Step Method, and I thought his information was definitely worth drawing your attention to.  

The four steps he teaches, are; 
1.  Listen Empathetically.  Just a few subpoints he makes are to match their energy, “If the other person is happy or excited, then smile, laugh, and share in the thrill. If they are discouraged or sad, then be respectful and speak in a softer, more compassionate manner” and to offer micro-validation, short comments like “Are you serious”, or “no way” that helps the person sharing feel heard and comfortable in their sharing. 
2.  Validate the emotion. He says “Validate, even if you disagree. Not only is it possible to validate someone you disagree with, it’s advantageous to do so. When you validate the other person, they become significantly more likely to listen to a differing opinion or advice. Once you show that you truly hear them, they will be much more likely to hear you”  Don’t you love that!!  He adds that if you can relate to what is being said let them know, but always turn it back to them, never make it a competition, and always tell the truth! 
3.  Offer advice or Encouragement if appropriate.  Sometimes people just need validation for an exciting or proud moment, so advice may not be necessary, but encouragement is always appreciated.  He made the suggestion to Try using the word “and” instead of “but” stating that it may help us avoid negating our own validating comments.  That one is tricky, and I’m guilty.  Don’t you just love learning new skill-sets from amazing people.  I highly recommend reading this blog in it’s entirely, and you can once again, find the link in my show notes for this episode at  https://mannaormeatloaf.buzzsprout.com
4.  And finally, step 4 is to Validate again.   Re-validate the emotion and validate the persons vulnerability. 

I don’t know about you, but I kind of secretly want to make a cheat sheet, or write those 4 points on my hand, so the next time I find myself in a situation that requires my mad validation skills, I will respond in a way that helps the person feel I’ve heard them, even if they don’t say a word.  That’s what I’ll be working on.  The art of validation. 

As I wrap up another week, I want to refer again to Mark Ogletree’s Ensign article that I mentioned earlier, and I really want you to HEAR this:
“As you engage in meaningful conversations… guide your actions and words by following the example of Jesus Christ. His communication with others radiated love, care, and concern. He spoke gently and loved purely. He showed compassion and granted forgiveness. He listened attentively and demonstrated charity. Likewise, if we want our relationships to improve, we must learn to speak in positive ways that edify and build those around us.”

When we follow the perfect example of our perfect Master, we will be able to improve upon and Master the skills that will help us build others as we build and strengthen our relationships with them.  
Christ always hears, right?  He’s always listening, and not only to the voice of our Father, but He heard the cares and concerns of his disciples and those he taught, and healed, and loved during His mortal ministry and He teaches, heals and loves you and me as He listens to our pleading hearts. If we listen closely enough we can hear the still small voice of the Spirit, validating our divine nature and God’s love for us. I hope we can all hear that!