Just Feel the Feelings

Emotional Buffering is any thing or activity you can use to avoid or change how you feel, or numb your feelings all together. Learning how to just feel the feelings will allow you to stay focused, process emotions and move forward to fulfil your earthly assignment.

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Just Feel the Feelings,

We went to a funeral a week or so ago, the mother of one of our good friends passed.  It was a beautiful service, and it made me think, as funerals tend to do, about the time left in each of our lives.  There is an expiration date on each of our assignments on earth.  And I don’t know about you, but I feel like time is just flying by and when I think of the limited time we have it seems like I should be more focused on the life ahead of me with this sense of urgency to accomplish what I came here to accomplish.  Yet over and over again, I find myself caught in the fluff of life, I find myself distracted.  

I was listening to a talk by Elder Holland called Sanctify Yourself, a Priesthood address from General Conference in 2000, a few weeks ago, and although the entire thing is incredibly powerful and I would strongly encourage you to devour it over and over again.  There was one part that really resonated in me. He teaches us that the original Latin meaning of the word amusement is a diversion of the mind intended to deceive.  

Isn’t that interesting?  I feel like every distraction tempts us with it’s amusing allure, and many times, in my life anyway, those distractions tend to get me off course and yes, I feel like they do deceive.  For example, I’ll be overwhelmed with the tasks at home when I’m done with a day of work, but instead of diving into my to-do list, I’ll plop myself down and start surfing through Instagram, completely distracting me from my course.  Now DO NOT hear me say Instagram is bad, I’m just using my own personal example here. And taking a break after a hard day to decompress and see what’s happening with friends and family, is also not a bad thing.   

But I can see in my own life, how, if I give in to each amusing, or fun distraction, to every Hallmark movie, or good book, or every brownie, I’ll never face and accomplish the truly important things in my life.  It’s easy to distract ourselves with things we’d rather do than the things of real importance that we should be focusing on.  It’s easier to avoid the sometimes unpleasant with the amusing and distracting.  

So, I want to talk to you about a word I became familiar with a few years ago.  It’s called buffering, and the context is from Jody Moore my life coach of almost 3 years now.  She describes a buffer as any external thing or activity you can use to avoid or change how you feel.  She did an entire month of training on the subject and if you want more information, reach out to me on my Manna or Meatloaf Instagram page, and I’ll point you in the right direction, but you can listen to her podcasts for free on Better than Happy.  Anyway.  Let me give you a few examples.  

I’ll start with the one I’ve already alluded to.  After a long day of work, I come home tired.  I have a long list of things I should accomplish, starting off with dinner and dishes and laundry…you know all the things, right?

I end up using social media as a buffer to help me avoid the feelings of guilt (I haven’t kept up on my laundry and I haven’t been making healthy home-cooked meals very much either).  The other thing it does is distract me from my fatigue.  I don’t think about being so tired I don’t want to do any of those things, because I’m preoccupied with the comings and goings of others.

Another example that I refer to often is my weight.  I hate to say it, but many times I end up buffering with chocolate to avoid accountability.  It doesn’t feel good to feel the feelings of discouragement when I realize I’ve gained back the weight I’ve lost a million times, so eating chocolate, even though it doesn’t make an ounce of sense, helps me avoid the reality, and the sudden endorphin hit I get from treats can certainly change the way I feel, even if it is very temporary.

The Life Coach founder Brooke Castillo defined buffering as “something like alcohol, television, food — anything really — that can numb how you feel”

There are 2 ways to tell if what you’re doing is actually a healthy way to process emotions or if you are buffering to avoid or feeling those negative feelings. 

The first is that emotional buffering never really resolves anything.  It is clear, isn’t it, to any sane human being, that eating chocolate, because you feel discouraged about your weight is not going to solve your weight problem. It seems so logical to everyone except the person who will do anything to avoid feeling rotten when her pants are too tight, even if consuming it makes things worse.

Please tell me some of you know what I’m talking about

How about the man who feels the heavy burden of responsibility to care for and provide for his family, so he buffers with video games that actually keep him from those responsibilities to avoid feeling like he may be falling short in that arena.

The mother with young kids that buries her nose in a book when her children start fighting, or yelling or disobeying, is a much easier way to deal with the contention.  Anyone who’s ever done it, knows that usually only makes the problems worse.

The wife who has a controlling husband, so she shops online, max’s her credit card, to feel like she has some semblance of control in her life. MMMmmm, ya, not helping the problem, but certainly buffering the negative feelings.

Denial can be a happy little place, right?  

All four of those examples illustrate that buffering doesn’t resolve any problems, it just sidesteps them and temporarily changes the way you feel, so you can avoid the negative feelings instead of actually feeling them.  And I want to mention here, that not all buffering takes place to avoid negative feelings.  Sometimes buffering takes place to override feelings of boredom, or fatigue or hunger or any number of other emotions, the fact is…those feelings are signals to get our attention.  And we need to listen to, and feel them, so we can answer them appropriately, not quiet and stuff them.

The second trick to realizing if you’re buffering is whether or not it has a negative consequence.  

For instance, if your teenager is flunking school and every day is a fight over homework, so you start leaving the house for a brisk walk.  

Walking is great, its wonderful exercise, it’s good for your body, and if it helps you get your bearings, decompress, and strengthen your resolve to get back in the game for round 900 of battling your high schooler, then it’s a healthy way to process those emotions, however, if you’re choosing to walk for hours at a time at the cost and needs of other children at home, or leaving other responsibilities that may be more pressing, or during the time your struggling child is home and may secretly need your help, then you may be buffering to avoid the negative emotions surrounding the conflict, which will have a negative consequence over time, never resolving anything, only avoiding it.  Do you see the difference?

Things done in moderation are usually healthy ways of processing emotion, but Overeating, overspending, overplaying, overreading, over browsing, and over watching, (or binge-watching as we now call it) are indications that you are buffering and will almost always come at a cost, which translates to negative consequences.

The thing about buffering is that it helps us temporarily escape the reality of our lives, but we can’t avoid those feelings forever, so whatever feeling we’re trying to avoid will still be there, waiting patiently for us when we’re done. 

When you cut out the buffer, what’s left are the emotions that paint a pretty clear picture of our realities.  It’s what’s left after the amusing or entertaining distractions, and those realities can sometimes be hard to face. Resisting and denying really unpleasant emotions is oftentimes easier than seeing them at face value and having to solve for them… that’s in essence, why we buffer.  

Anxiety, loss, insecurity, grief, fear, doubt, anger those feelings can be quieted for a time with the buffering of your choice, but the reality is that these things and other negative emotions while they seem to be soothed temporarily by external things or activities, they will never be completely resolved because these negative emotions can only be calmed from within. 

The first step in learning how to stop buffering is that we have to be willing to take a good hard look at what negative thoughts are causing the negative emotions that are causing the negative feelings we’re trying to avoid in the first place.  That’s hard because a lot of people have become super-pro at stuffing their feelings.  Saying everything is fine when everything is not!  

Kayce Hayes from Highly Sensitive Refuge.com said: “Resisting your emotions is like holding a beach ball underwater. It can be done, but it’s physically and mentally draining. And once your energy is depleted, the beach ball will explode through the water’s surface with a vengeance”.

I have certainly felt that way before, haven’t you?

Then, once we’ve faced the music so to speak, we have to identify the negative outcomes or consequences that are taking place as a result of our buffering.  Are these things taking a toll on our marriages, the relationships with our children, our health, damaging our financial futures, or simply robbing us of our valuable time?  

Remember how I said healthy things done in moderation can be an appropriate way to decompress or take the load of for a while, but anything overly done can lead to addictions.  Miriam Webster’s definition of addiction is defined as “a compulsive, chronic, physiological or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity having harmful physical, psychological, or social effects;

a strong inclination to do, use, or indulge in something repeatedly.  

My purpose here is not to dive into the broad spectrum of addiction.  As we all know, I’m not a professional counselor, so I’d like to turn the focus back to what I’ve learned through Jody’s Be Bold program about buffering, before it turns into such a repeated pattern that it can turn into an addiction.  

Once we’ve identified the thoughts that are creating the feelings, and can see clearly the negative outcomes that are occurring from our buffering to avoid feeling the feelings, we need to set clear goals to work toward and course correct to change the behavior, and sometimes, we may need to seek professional help.

My suggestion is to turn to the master physician Jesus Christ himself. 

He, as always, is the perfect example of how to stay focused on the important things.  I believe He can help us stop emotional buffering and take control of our lives and our time.

 When Jesus was about to be crucified it says in Luke 9:51 that He steadfastly set His face to go to Jerusalem.  I love that description, that He steadfastly set His face toward something.  I hear in that scripture the Lord's unwavering determination to follow through with the seemingly impossible task of dying for and saving all mankind.  He did not get distracted by things that would take His mind of the difficulty of His future sacrifice.

In Isaiah 50:7; For the Lord God will help me; therefore shall I not be confounded: therefore have I set my face like a flint…

Flint is a really hard rock, we know it because you can start fires by scratching it and producing sparks. The bible uses this image of setting your face like a flint figuratively to express hardness, firmness and Ezekial 3:8-9 describes it like the inflexibility of unwavering determination.  

Paul also teaches in the New Testament to run the race with our eyes on the prize.  You can find that in 1 Corinthians:24-27.  

I love the words of Hymn number 226 Improve the Shining Moments: Especially the first 3 verses.

. Improve the shining moments;

Don’t let them pass you by.

Work while the sun is radiant;

Work, for the night draws nigh.

We cannot bid the sunbeams

To lengthen out their stay,

Nor can we ask the shadow

To ever stay away.

 Time flies on wings of lightning;

We cannot call it back.

It comes, then passes forward

Along its onward track.

And if we are not mindful,

The chance will fade away,

For life is quick in passing.

’Tis as a single day.

So the questions I had to ask myself earnestly this week, and I’ll ask you too, is; are we facing the rest of our lives with our eyes on our goals, our futures, our earthly assignments?  Are we staying focused with our faces steadfastly set and like flint, determined to accomplish what we’re here to accomplish, or are we getting distracted? Are we unintentionally putting other things in the way of our futures, because the way is hard? Are we buffering with activities or things to avoid the feelings in our lives that can be difficult or uncomfortable?  And is that buffering getting in the way of our progress?  Are you at all like me, and get easily side-tracked? 

Ouch!!  I hate it when that darned pointer finger on my right hand is aimed directly at me!! 

I love what Echkart Tolle said “Suffering is necessary until you realize it us unnecessary”. 

Anything that keeps us from fulfilling our divine destinies and distracts us from sharing our unique contributions, will in the end rob us of the precious time we’ve been allotted.  Don’t waste your time buffering against the feelings you’re trying to avoid or change.  In the end, the sooner you just give yourself permission to feel the feelings, the sooner you can process them, work through them, make progress and move forward. 

In the October 2014th General Conference, Carlos A. Godoy confirmed this thought by saying: “We are not here in this life just to waste our time, grow old, and die.  God wants us to grow and achieve our potential”.

So let’s spend a little time this week in introspection to determine if and how we may be buffering to avoid or change our feelings instead of growing and achieving our full potential.

I hope these thoughts make you stop and think, like they did me…..Have a great week.