Validation Part 2

Part 2 of Validation illustrates how to truly validate others and help them feel seen, heard and loved.

Transcript

Validation Part 2

So, I hope you found some value, in last week’s part 1 episode, because this is one topic that I’ve felt so empowered by, the more I’ve learned and practiced implementing it in my own life.  It’s something I wish I known better how to do when my kids were younger and still at home.  So if there’s a single suggestion I could make, it’s to start your own study and development of the valuable skillset of validation earlier instead of later!  My daughter in law Heather is wonderful at this gift.  I love watching her listen to and really hear her kids.  It’s kind of funny.  I feel like I do really well with most people, most places and during times, but without a doubt there are times I fall a short with this ability when it comes to the most important person in my life, my husband, or at specific times, like when I’m tired, or frustrated, or overwhelmed, so this is really good for me to continue to research, learn about and review. 
Like I said last week, maybe it’s a good idea to re-listen to part 1, and then go right into this episode if you can find the time. Simply because it ties it all together and recaps why certain foundational concepts can be extremely helpful when we put them into practice.

For those of you who don’t have the time, let me spend just a minute or two summarizing.  
A basic, universal need for every human being is to believe that 1) I am of worth 2) my feelings matter, and 3) someone really cares about me.
I believe that one of the greatest gifts we can share with those valuable relationships in our lives, and actually every other living human, as they face the unique challenges they do and carve out their divinely appointed futures is to help them recognize the fulfillment of these needs through appropriate validation.

I love the definition of Validation given by Gary and Joy Lunburg from their book I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better.  They said: “Validation is being able to empathetically listen and understand another person’s point of view without having to change it furthermore It is the willingness to stand with someone during their emotional experience”.

One big point I made, and I think it’s one thing that constantly gets in the way of our offering real validation, is the lack of understanding, that.  True Validation doesn’t mean we have to agree with or condone another’s behavior, it only means that we are, like the Lundburgs suggested, willing to stand by them emotionally during their experience.  

Bottom line – what our grandmothers told us about people not remembering what you said, but remembering how they felt when they were with you, is ABSOLUTE truth!  Everyone deserves to fell seen, heard and loved, exactly where they are, and exactly how they are!!  and if you need a reminder on how to do that, re-listen to last week’s episode. 

Learning to validate others, opens channels of communication, develops trust, facilitates ownership for problem solving, prepares hearts to be taught, and may be one of the most important tools for interpersonal relationships, and is certainly a skillset worth developing. 

Ok, now let’s move onto the practical real-life applications. 

I’ve learned so much from the book I briefly made mention of last week.  It’s Michael S. Sorensen’s best-selling book I Hear you: The Surprisingly Simple skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships.  
He teaches a simple four-step method on how to validate someone and I highly recommend it. Just a few thoughts from his work that I’d like share are.
Listen Empathetically.  Just a few subpoints he makes are to match their energy, “If the other person is happy or excited, then smile, laugh, and share in the thrill. If they are discouraged or sad, then be respectful and speak in a softer, more compassionate manner” and to offer micro-validation, short comments like “Are you serious”, or “no way” that helps the person sharing feel heard and comfortable in their sharing. 
Validate the emotion. He says “Validate, even if you disagree. Not only is it possible to validate someone you disagree with, it’s advantageous to do so. When you validate the other person, they become significantly more likely to listen to a differing opinion or advice. Once you show that you truly hear them, they will be much more likely to hear you”  Don’t you love that!! 

 I remember sharing experiences with a friend that always left me feeling like our conversations were a competition.  If I was having a bad day, she was having a horrid day, and would proceed to tell me all about it.  If I was tired, she didn’t sleep at all.  And that can be a trap sometimes.  In our efforts to show that we understand.  It’s important that we always point things back to the person we’re validating and never make it a competition. 

Offer advice or Encouragement if appropriate.  Sometimes people just need validation for an exciting or proud moment, so advice may not be necessary, but encouragement is always appreciated.  Try using the word “and” instead of “but” this may help you avoid negating your own validating comments.  

Henry Ward Beecher agreed when he said “The meanest most contemptible phrase is  that which first speaks well of a man and then qualifies it with a butt”. 


And finally, step 4 of Sorenson’s method is to Validate again.   Re-validate the emotion and validate the persons vulnerability in sharing.  

So let’s walk through a few scenario’s that may be very relevant today. And use this 4 step method, and I wan't to use several examples that can be a little tricky,because I think they really illustrate how easily these steps translate to real life situations. . 

I just had a young single adult aged friend tell several months ago, that she felt it was nearly impossible to find guys that wanted to date and develop a relationship, most of them just want to make out.  She knew there were great guys out there, she was just having a hard time finding them.  She expressed how hard it is to want a future with guys like this.  
She said what are we (the sisters) supposed to do?  
1st I listened empathetically, and that was easy, I could see how frustrating that was for her.  She wants to move forward in her life, get married and start a family, and needs the right partner to do that.  She feels like she’s doing all she can, but is stuck. 

Step 2. I validated her emotion. Wow, I can see why that’s so frustrating and confusing.  It’s no wonder you feel stuck. That’s a tough one, what do you want to do?  She thought about it for a while and then responded, I want to date older more mature guys, maybe returned missionaries…a joke was made about posting an ISO (in search of) post on facebook, and the subject was changed.  

In this scenario, if the timing was right and this sister was open, you could even ask her, can I make a suggestion?  If she responds positively then you have the green light to offer advice on something like living the gospel out loud to attract the kind of men you want to date and marry. Which, in this case, I knew she was already doing.   I didn’t need to implement step 4 with this example, as she validated her own formulation of the problem with her own answer. But I could have said something like “looks like you’ve got it figured out, way to go”

What about someone who feels passionately against receiving the COVID vaccine?  I’ve heard this one many times.  One conversation went something like this..”Why would the prophet urge us to get it if we already followed his previous counsel to fast and pray and find out for ourselves if it was right for us and our bodies  I’m having such a hard time making this decision, because it goes against the personal revelation I felt I received about what was right for me.  1st – listen empathically, see his or her emotion and show compassion for the wrestle they are going through.  And this was very evident with this person.  This was a person that was adept at following and had shaped their life upon prophetic teachings.  This was extremely hard for this person.  How could I not see that. 
2.  – Validate the emotion, “I can see how hard this is for you, and I can understand why you feel that way”, or “you’re not alone in feeling that way” etc.  Remember, we can still validate the emotion that they are feeling, even if you don’t agree with their standpoint.  Remember compassion, and the covenants we’ve made to mourn with those that mourn and stand with those that stand in need of comfort.    Like I said easy to see how difficult this was for this person, validating that you can see that is crucial. 
3 – Offer advice or encouragement.  This wasn’t the time or place for me to offer advice.  This person knew I may not share his thoughts or opinions, and was a bit defensive, but I offered encouragement.  “The wonderful thing about you is that I know you know how to receive personal revelation, and it doesn’t matter what I think.  I have complete confidence that You will get the right answers for you”

And last, step 4 Validate again “I want to thank you for sharing your feelings with me, I can see why you feel so passionately about it.”  I will pray that you find the peace you’re looking for in making this difficult decision,  Obviously don’t say something like that if you don’t plan on dropping to your knees immediately following the conversation, but you can see how validating that is….You believe in them to find the right answer for themelves.  Remember, no matter how strongly you feel about a certain position, effective validation is not about helping them see the light, or persuading them to join you on what you feel is the right side of the line, it is about allowing them to find their own way and granting them the grace and understanding to walk by their side emotionally as they do. 

Now this may seem like a passive approach, or an excuse to not stand up for what you believe, and that’s not the case at all.  If you are, for example this young person’s Bishop and the spirit has prompted you to offer counsel, then rest assured you will know how, when and what to say.  I truly believe the mantel of that stewardship will provide.
What if you are a parent, then I know the mantle of stewardship over your young children will always guide you when prayerfully approached, and then trust me when I say, just as many others have….Your older children will be more likely to listen to your opinions and when you listen to theirs.  There is a right time and place to take advantage of teaching opportunities, in the heat of the moment isn’t always that time.  If you feel it is, and then remember the steps, and use the word AND instead of BUT. 

Let’s continue with this example, of the vaccine, and let’s imagine that this is your young adult aged child, and  And you’re knee-deep in step three of the 4-step method, offer advice or encouragement.  First off, well done, you are seeing, listening and validating their emotional experience.  Good job.  Look what it sounds like if you say.  “ I understand your concern and I see what a difficult decision this is for you, BUT we follow the prophet in this house. 

Now pay attention to how different it feels when you say basically the same thing using the word and instead….   ““ I understand your concern and I see what a difficult decision this is for you, And we will support you in whatever way we can through this decision making process.  You know how we feel though and we will continue to follow the prophet. Do you see how that continues to validate their feelings but makes your stance clear without causing them to feel defensive or at odds.  It’s so much more effective than an autocratic or authoritarian leadership position, which we know doesn’t always go over well with these young people or their generation, in many cases leading to opposition or rebellion.


We’re doing so well with our validation skills, lets add a really hard one.  I’ve had people ask “so how do you validate someone who is living in a manner that contradicts Gospel teachings and it’s doctrine?” and I would say with love!!   First and foremost, remind yourselves am I their judge?  If so, approach it prayerfully, the Spirit will guide you to really see them, hear them and love them exactly where they.  You will find the sometimes delicate balance of validating them while offering the counsel or correction they need.  
If you’re not their judge, however, then you are their brother and we love our brothers as ourselves right?  So listen empathetically, validate their emotions, offer advice or encouragement, and then validate them again, and they will feel that they are of worth, their feelings matter and that we really care about them. 

What if someone trusts you enough to say, I’m gay, or struggle with same sex attraction. First off, congratulations for providing a safe space for them.   I have many gay friends, that grew up with our kids, I love them and have actually had this conversation.  
 They say something like No one understand what It’s like and how hard it is, don’t I deserve to be happy too?  
1, again, we listen emphatically.  Lean in, touch a hand to theirs show them that you feel the pain this is causing them, and that you still love and accept them, they are after all your brother. 
2. Validate their emotions.  Say something like “I can only imagine how hard it is to feel so misunderstood” or “While I don’t understand those feelings personally, I know you and I can see how difficult this is for you, I’m so sorry, you’re going through this.  Or “you’re right everyone wants and deserves to be happy.”
3.  Offer encouragement or advice.   If the time is right and they are receptive you might say something, like I have a piece of information that you might be interested in, can I send it to you?  and offer to send a link to the church’s website or North Star where there is a plethora of valuable resources they may not know about.  Remember you are not trying to fix anything.  That’s what their Savior is for.  He alone can heal their broken hearts and reconcile those challenges through the Mercy of His Atoning Gift.  You are only validating and helping them feel seen, heard and loved.  If you sense they just need encouragement you can say what I said “The thing I know about you, is you’ve done an amazing job of steering your ship through life so far, and I have complete faith in you that you’ll find your way”.  Or “what do you need from me during this journey”.  You know I love you and want what’s best for you.  We may not agree on what that looks like, but I am here for you and will continue to love you no matter what”. 

What if they ask you to show support in a way that contradicts what you are capable of, or aren’t willing to do? 

I was asked in a round-about way to perform a civil ceremony between one of my closest friends’ daughters and her partner.  I love this girl whether she marries a man or a woman.  It’s not my choice, or my journey, my only command is to continue to love her.  That’s easy, she is so loveable.  I didn’t end up having to make that decision due to COVID and then eventually they had a destination wedding, but I got to ask myself some tough questions, and eventually it came down to….as long as I didn’t contradict any gospel principles or lead anyone to misunderstand where me and my testimony stood, and could squeeze in a mention of God or two, I felt like I could validate my love for her in that simple way.  I’m not sure everyone would agree with my decision, and like I said, I didn’t actually have to make that decision in the end,  but it was really good for me to go through the motions regardless,

Each of us at some point are going to have to ask some really difficult questions and do a gut-check with the world we live in and the obvious challenges that plague us 
But in doing so, I’d like to draw attention to a few simple truths.  

One, it’s no ones job to make us feel a certain way, we are fully responsible for the thoughts that drive us to feel the way we do.  That being said I am reminded of vs.3 of the Hymn Lord I would follow thee 
I would be my brother’s keeper;
I would learn the healer’s art.
To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart.
I would be my brother’s keeper—
Lord, I would follow thee.

I had an experience with one of my children who was making one of the biggest decisions of their lives, and I had some real concerns that they were leaning toward the wrong choice.  As I was expressing my concern and worry to a dear and very wise friend, she listened intently, and when I finally took a breath and said don’t you agree, she said, do you really want to know what I think?  I nodded.  She said,  You know there’s only one Savior right, I looked at her confused, she put her arm around me and gently said, and you know it’s not you.  I was still trying to wrap my head around her point.  Of course I knew that.  She continued.  There is only one person that can save your child from this, or anything and that is Jesus Christ.  It’s not your job, your job is to love this child, encourage them and be a safe place for them to land.   The more you try to do Gods job, the more you get in God’s way.  If you want to help your child, point them to Christ.  

Jesus Christ our Savior and Redeemer is our brother, and as always is the perfect exemplar.  He sees our hearts when we cant say the words, He listens to every cry and the pleadings of our hearts and He sends His love.  He validates that we are of worth, that our feelings matter, and that he really cares.  

That being said, we also live on earth among imperfect people like ourselves, who are all trying to just do the best they can and strive to be more like Christ.  Learning to communicate and validate effectively is one way we can be His hands on earth.   

I want to refer again to Mark Ogletree’s Ensign article that I mentioned earlier, and I really want you to HEAR this:
“As you engage in meaningful conversations… guide your actions and words by following the example of Jesus Christ. His communication with others radiated love, care, and concern. He spoke gently and loved purely. He showed compassion and granted forgiveness. He listened attentively and demonstrated charity. Likewise, if we want our relationships to improve, we must learn to speak in positive ways that edify and build those around us.”

Sounds like Validation to me.

Being able to genuinely support others through effective and loving validation will increase our influence with them and create authentic and valuable teaching and ministering opportunities that may not be presented otherwise.  It will also support others as they solve their own problems.  Most importantly I believe the utilization of this powerful tool will help others feel seen, heard and loved exactly where they are.  

As I prayed fervently the week before the special priesthood meeting our stake held, that I spoke at, I was struggling with a real desire to express the thoughts of my heart, knowing that it may not be a popular or entirely welcomed message.  I prayed that I would say what my Father in Heaven wanted me to say, and I got up from one of those prayers and literally picked up where I left off in my Come Follow Me study of Doctrine and Covenants Section 124.  If you want the same confirmation, you can go back to vs.22-24, 60-61, of that section and you’ll see that the Heading reads “The Lord wants me to welcome and accept others.”  It doesn’t say welcome and accept those who look like, or dress like, or keep the commandments like me.  That sounds like seeing, hearing and loving others right where they are, to me. 

Christ set the perfect example of just how to do this…..In John Chapter 8 of the New Testamnet, we’re taught that He did not condemn the woman taken in adultery, it says he “stooped down” to write on the ground before her, I like to think that He got down to her level to really see her and the result of where her choices had taken her.  Vs’s 10 and 11 reads: “Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?
 She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee, go and sin no more."

I pray that as we turn to that very Jesus to guide our hearts, he can soften, and transform them and teach us how to learn this life-changing skill that will, like I said in the previous episode, allow us to be Hands on earth, to uplift, encourage and support our fellow travelers, as we help those we come in contact with feel truly seen, heard and loved.

If you have any tips, or experiences you’d like to share, please comment on my Manna or Meatloaf Instagram page, so we can all help each other out.  
That’s all for now, until next week go out and practice yourself some validation…..